The Worsening Withdrawal

Let me start with the good news – it’s been ten days since my last update and, in that time, I have had ZERO bloody noses or mystery bruises. Absolutely none!  It seems that the Sertraline was definitely the problem, so +10 points to my hematologist for thinking outside the box. Now for the bad news…

The antidepressant withdrawal is much worse than I anticipated. The symptoms are manageable, so please don’t think I’m silently in agony, but they are wearing me down physically and emotionally. I have been experiencing the following withdrawal symptoms (some worse than others):

• fatigue
• confusion
• hallucinations
• depression
• night terrors
• inability to concentrate
• apathy
• hyperactivity
• paranoia

Luckily, the hallucinations only happened once. It was terrifying, though. It was like an out of body experience. I hallucinated myself. It freaked the hell out of my husband. Thankfully, there have been no more hallucinations since then.

The most consistent symptoms have been the depression and apathy, night terrors, hyperactivity, and inability to concentrate. It’s been hard not immediately going to bed after coming home from work. Lately that’s all I want to do when I get home, not because I’m tired but because being awake feels pointless. I’m bored constantly and don’t enjoy the activities I normally enjoy after work (dinner, coloring, Netflix, games). As a result, I’ve been going to bed around 9 PM some nights and sleeping until 8 AM. After eleven hours of sleep, most people would feel refreshed, but I end up feeling more tired than when I went to bed.

Let me be very clear in case anyone reading this is becoming concerned – I am in NO way suicidal. Losing interests in my hobbies and feeling depressed doesn’t mean I don’t want to exist. It helps knowing these symptoms are common during withdrawal and should only last about 3-4 weeks. If I still feel this way in mid-September, I will address the problem. This is not a relapse – it is strictly related to the medication.

The biggest frustration is the inability to concentrate, especially at work. I’ve really been struggling with staying focused, so I’ve been trying to work in half hour or hour-long segments then walk around for a few minutes. This seems to be helping, but it gets old after a while. This is where the hyperactivity comes into play. Last Thursday I was extremely hyper at work. I still got my work done, but I feel like my overexcitement and constant chatter may have stunted my coworkers’ efforts. They probably accomplished much more on Friday when I wasn’t in the office. Hopefully I can stay on track this week, for my sake and theirs.

The newest withdrawal side effect is the night terrors. They started two nights ago. I haven’t had nightmares this awful since I was first diagnosed with PTSD back in 2009. The dreams were horribly vivid and detailed and I woke up both times sweating and panicked. In addition, my husband said I was running in my sleep. I don’t know if I was running from someone or something, but the most terrifying part is waking up and not knowing where I am or what’s real. Hopefully these dreams subside as my new Sertraline dose kicks in. Otherwise, I may have to start taking an anxiety pill before bed. Once I’m asleep, I just have to suffer through the nightmare because I don’t know how to wake myself up from a bad dream. I’ve never mastered that skill. If anyone has any tricks or tips for warding off nightmares, though, I’m willing to try anything!